The basic cause: faulty cultural conditioning from a culture that doesn't anymore do its job of teaching us the knowledge and skills we all need to navigate our lives. We especially aren't much good at self-awareness (or anything else non-material, non-tangible -- our culture is material-only and getting more so). The result is a lot of twisted and distorted expectations that others will do for us what we can't (but should be able to) do for ourselves. This gives rise to the unconscious and hidden expectations we blame our partners for. The most toxic of these hidden expectations is that our partner will rescue us in some way from a part of our life that we fear we can't handle ourselves -- if they just love us enough. Unraveling these unconscious expectations is the stuff of therapy, but the general process is clear enough to understand.
The basic solution: re-nurture yourself to the point where you have created an adult-level, whole healthy self who knows it is your own job to get your human needs met (Maslow's hierarchy of human needs), has the self-awareness to learn the skills and acquire the knowledge needed to get the job done, knows you cannot expect to out-source any of this (let's call the task "growing up") to anyone else, knows such out-sourcing is not what love is (in fact it's what fear is and does), knows you can ask for help and collaboration (Maslow's connection) but not give the whole responsibility away, can see the difference between these last two things, and lastly knows this task is an adventure and not a punishment. It may be hard at times, but overall it's an adventure with enormous rewards: all the forms of happiness.
First steps: start looking for your own hidden expectations of others, especially of your partner. Make sure you are doing your own job for your growing self and not secretly expecting your partner to do the hard or fearful parts for you. Get more self-aware as you go. Share what you find with someone you love, and let them know you want their help and collaboration but don't expect them to do it for you (they can't do your job for you even if they mistakenly want to, and you should discourage them from trying -- that's not what love is).
Growing up is harder when the culture has neglected to teach (nurture) us how. But it must be done, and it can be shared (never out-sourced), and it is an adventure that brings great joy all along the way. To paraphrase the great Albert Camus in The Plague (La Peste), "To be an adult is to be responsible."
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| (A simple version of Maslow's pyramid) |
